You just made me feel so damn special
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
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