All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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