she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
