My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
