rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
