I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
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At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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