Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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