Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
