i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
