If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
time to smoke my breakfast
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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