I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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