maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize