I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Are my feet made of real feet?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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