So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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