Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
