Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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