when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Randomize
