I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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