My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
