Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
