Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
When are your genitals available?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
