I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
