i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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