i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I just want to make out with him forever
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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