I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
