i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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