Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
