"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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