She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
