I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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