Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
