Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
