You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Randomize
