What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
