You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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