do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
