my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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