can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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