woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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