Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
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