sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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