I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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