Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
