I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
