she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
