the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
