Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
