Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
