i need an iv and a liver transplant
Just cropdusted the office
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
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