I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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