sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
