You made me cry and you don't even care
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
