and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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