And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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