I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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