My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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